These are just some of my knick knacks that I treasure. I’m a dragon fan, love them to pieces, and since I’m such a tinkerbell freak I figured that would be appropriate to add her as well

More of my treasures, with my twilight poster in the back!

This is the tattoo that I did on myself last night, I’m not sure if you can see it, but it got really really swollen and I couldn’t color it. IT HURT LIKE HELL, FYI and I can take pain. I have over 20 tattoos, but yeah that one smarted. Just a little. That pic is looking directly down on it, my shirt got in the way which is why you can see my hand holding it up.  lol

I’ve been feeling a little depressed lately and I’m not sure what its about but anyways, I’m going to go haunt some of my favorite boards now.

I’m still hiding most of my emotions under a thick skin, not that anyone save for the few people on Lavish.nu that I have recently talked to, and about my problems, (seriously guys join, its like a family there lavish.nu ) I just don’t know how to express how I am feeling, its like this mix of emotions that I have. I know that I’m hurting. I know that I’m confused, I know that I am angry even if I don’t know why.
I got a tattoo, ok I DID that tattoo. Its an Hawiian flower, its really cool looking it hurts like a bitch. My sister started it and I was like gimmie this fucking thing. lol.
Its like 2 am… and I’m just now getting tired. I think this is gonna be a long night.

I could have gotten nothing for Christmas, all I wanted was for my step brother to not have to go over seas, or my little, or my friends. But alas it didn’t happen, instead I got the following:
Two twilight posters
metallic purpleish blueish dragon statue
purple fairy statue
a lap top table
an animatronic white kitten with blue eyes
a tiny boyds bear
a chinese dinner
gas for my car (then it died on me)

My car is ready to be picked up which is nice, I’ll have my car back soon enough, which means I’ll be out of money soon enough. I am in some kind of funk and I don’t know if its because of the holiday junk food or if it is just the fact that I am in a funk. I dunno. All I know is that while waiting for myself to be ready for a relationship, I seem to have lost a huge part of myself. No longer am I a hopeless romantic, but a cynical person who thinks the worst is always going to happen. At least for now. I should be journaling all of this but what is the point. What is the point in all of this really? Sure haven’t figured it out as of yet.

I have this friend, and last night he texted me with ‘I’m bored’ ok so call me. Duh! I was feeling very alone and very down last night. I’ve also decided (and determined) that I no longer will be taking my medication. I don’t take it half the time anyways why bother, I CAN do this on my own…. I know people that do.
But seriously, all I wanted was someone to talk to last night, I didn’t want anything major, just to talk. I had a lot on my mind, most of which were issues that I had already resolved. But when you come home after spending the day with family, having a good dinner, but all in all feeling like crap, and then you walk into the door just to be hit with the feeling of being completely and totally alone…
Yeah it sucks. I puttered around the apartment last night, hung up my Twilight posters, did some work on the blog, and meditated and went to bed.I wanted to stay up all night to see if I got a phone call, but I decided screw it I’m going to bed.
I have counseling today, and I don’t know if I want to say the things that are on my mind, or just shut up and take the medication. I know that I should be able to talk in counseling, but anymore I feel overshadowed by other more dominant people. I have gone off a few times, when I was really heated.

What price am I going to have to pay to be normal?

Well my car died. It died around Sunday or Monday. Didn’t know what was wrong with it, but had to get it towed to the nearest garage, which would be Fulmers. They are good people let me tell you. Really nice. Well Dad called today and since some idiot that had worked on my car before this and ghetto rigged it, it came back to haunt me later. See the wiring in the battery wasn’t working properly and had ended up killing the battery and melding itself to the frame of the car. Which sucked. Hard core. Because I have been with out a car for like two days. I also spend the last of my money on getting food for the house since I didn’t think I would need gas for my car. RAWR.
I’m really liking the new wordpress upgrade, before I didn’t know how many words that I was going to be typeing now I do. It inspires me to do a longer posts. Since I am used to one or two word blogs which I think are kind of dumb IMO. Words are meant to be expressive and enlightening not something that one word is all that is written, sure the definition might mean a lot more, but damn actually write it out. Don’t be lazy.
I’m going to Christmas twice tomorrow, I am going to visit Dad in the am, and Mom in the PM. And I get my car back. And I’m sick again. Can I cancel Christmas?

I give up I truely do. My house is a wreck with only help on the dishes. Which I will prolly end up doing myself. My care DIED on me. There is a short in the electrical system and because its a Buick Park Avenue Ultra it’s going to be a pain right in my ass. I’m very frustrated because I have no idea if my land lady is going to just show up and tell me to get the hell out. Then I am homeless again. I am so terrified. Anyway, my Christmas shopping was great. I got two twilight posters, a statue of a dragon, a fairy statue that’s purple, a board game ‘Dirty Minds’, a wall charger for my IPOD touch, and Chinese! I talked my mother and my sister, and everyone else into getting Chinese, which ended up a $50 dollar meal. !@#$ Oh and I’m sore. My neck and shoulders hurt from all of the tension.